It seems that women who choose not to have children may suddenly find themselves cast in the role of 'pioneer'. Their choice may be politicized in a way that they're not comfortable with. Is this true?
Absolutely. Some of these women felt, "Hey, I'm just having my life. And all of a sudden I have to stand for all these other women."
Suddenly you're in a political position you never asked for...
Right. And in a sense that's what happened to me. But psychology and psychoanalysis is my field, so it was a good "working through" process for me to do the research and write the book. That was my mourning process -- that was the baby I had. If I can contribute in any small way to helping make a generative space out of what has been only characterized as absence or deficiency, that would make me feel wonderful.
Is regret a common theme among the women who chose not to have children?
For the women who made a choice not to have children, and have consolidated their identities around that choice, there is not a strong sense of regret.
Did the women you spoke with often feel that they had to justify their time or their lives in some way, because they were not raising children?
Yes. Definitely. And it was very poignant for me to learn how few women are not met with this feeling of needing to justify their lives. A small band of women who are white and highly educated and professional can perhaps justify it to the world. But a woman who has a job, but not some kind of high-powered job plans, and doesn't have kids and doesn't really want to -- she has a tougher time. Why does she have to be an extraordinary woman in these other terms in order to decide not to be a mother? That's where you can feel all these invisible pressures that are there all the time.
Dr. Mardy Ireland is a psychoanalyst/clinical psychologist with a practice in Berkeley, Ca. She is on the core faculty of the New College of California, and is the author of "Reconceiving Women: Separating Motherhood from Female Identity".
